Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
