I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
