I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
me + whiskey = a bad person
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
