My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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