the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
