My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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