i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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