Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
