So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
