I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
