broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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