I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
