when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
