stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
