I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
