apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
