I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
