Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
