I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
