You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Even my vagina gasped.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
