I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
