did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
