After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
