everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
