What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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