Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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