dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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