wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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