i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
