I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
