so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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