I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
