Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
