Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
