where am i from again
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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