an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
