You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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