seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
