If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
