So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
