My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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