I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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