alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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