I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
