we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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