youre lurking in front of me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
