So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
