It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
