finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
