I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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