; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
