The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
