I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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