guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
